i just don't play by the rules.

well.

the apartment search is officially underway.

and it is proving to be quite a feat.

originally i had been looking for places.

using apartments.com

and let me just say.

there isn't much to choose from.

they're all huge complexes.

with way more too many amenities.

and full of people.

i would never surround myself with.

so after a lot of frustration.

and distractions from twitter.

i went to my younger sister for advice.

and luckily...

she has a little more common sense than i do.

lol.

she recommended that i search craigslist.

which would've been a pretty obvious idea.

to anyone else.

but nope... not me.

so i closed my google document.

titled "los angeles apts."

that i had so carefully been constructing. 

started searching through craigslist.

and ta da!

it proved to be so much more helpful.

i mean, you have to sort through a lot crap.

but there are some real gems.

like a vintage house i found.

with a studio on the second floor.

for $560.

(due to a shared shower).

or a studio in hollywood.

with exposed brick walls.

for $1090/month.

at this point, i'm looking for any way.

to save money on expenses.

because that means more i can spend.

on instruments.

recording.

sushi.

now, the next thing on my agenda.

is deciding if i want to move everything.

or just live on the bare essentials right now.

i have a house full of furniture.

a room full of instruments.

and three closets full of clothes.

but.

i will probably have no way to move it all.

inexpensively, anyway.

and then no where to put it.

since i'm going from a two bedroom.

to a studio.

so i'm in the middle of a mental debate.

but fyi.

i don't recommend arguing with yourself.

it's quite counterproductive.

this is definitely going to be a big change.

giving up school.

my grant.

my scholarships.

with only one year left.

until i get my BA in Biological Engineering.

giving up my job during the school year.

and the comfortable life i've created here.

but within all of that comfort.

i have found little happiness.

i've done everything that i should.

but nothing that i want.

it's so hard watching other people.

living their dreams.

and convincing yourself.

that one day you will do the same.

but then three years go by.

and you just find yourself contented.

with some feeling of security you've gained.

so how do i go from a girl.

who stays within the boundaries.

that have been placed for her.

and the life.

that she's expected to live.

to someone who's ready to give it away.

for the chance to be happy.

and do the only thing that makes sense.

it's quite simple, really.

i grew up.

i realized...

finally.

that while people may have an idea.

of what is appropriate for you.

a 9-5.

2 kids and a dog.

with a husband who drives a minivan.

these are all generalities.

society's ideological constructions.

of what life should be like.

and what we should seek from it.

but not everyone finds truth in this.

or the need to be confined to it.

and some people lose the drive.

to find fulfillment.

outside of what is conventional

or acceptable.

whether it be who we love.

or what we do.

or how we think.

or the things we believe.

i wish that everyone could find the courage.

to be the honest representation of themselves.

without hesitation.

because genuine happiness isn't hard to find.

only the decision to search for it.

without regard for expectations. 

<3