explaining the inexplicable...

it's been a little too long since i blogged.
mainly because i've been reallly busy.
playing shows.
and watching my boyfriend work on his car.
haha.

but i've picked up this book again.
"mere christianity."
that i had started reading about a month ago.
and there was something in there.
that i thought so profound...
i just had to share it.

now, yes.
i am a devout christian.
and have very strong views on my religion.
but don't get this wrong.
i am not preaching.
that is not what i do.
because i can assure you.
my boyfriend...
who is a staunch atheist.
would not appreciate that in the least.
haha.

and i am probably one of the more logical, tolerant.
and self-contained believers you'll meet.
because i feel that my spirituality is very personal.
and so i do not perpetrate my ideals onto anyone.
as to interfere with their personal journey.
this is mainly me sharing my findings.
:)

now if you don't know c.s. lewis.
you've either been living under a rock.
or are as intelligent as one.
but he's the famed ex-atheist.
who brought you the chronicles of narnia.







but he was also critically acclaimed for his lesser known.
adult-oriented works.
like "the screwtape letters"

anywho...

i've been reading a mere christianity.
in which c.s. lewis takes a logical approach.
in explaining why christianity.
and faith in general.
are quite possibly the only sensible answer.
but in this chapter i'm reading.
he speaks about the christian virtue, hope.
and in analyzing this he begins with...

"creatures are not born with desires...
unless satisfaction for those desires exists."

we get hungry.
because there is such a thing as food.
we get tired.
because there is sleep.
so if we take an introspective approach.
we'll understand that we, as humans.
continually try to find happiness.
fulfillment.
joy.
in things that are in this world.
and most times.
the intense passion we had originally.
for our lover.
or career.
or hobbies, even.
realistically will fade away.
maybe sometimes slower than others.
but it will, nonetheless.

so what does our perpetual dissatisfaction say?
about us?
about the world?
does that mean this universe is a fraud?
no.
only that there must be a relief of such longing.
and if proven to not be of this world.
then quite possibly another.
and that maybe the things of this world.
were only meant to excite and arouse those feelings.
but never quite satisfy them.
and we shouldn't mistake them for the things.
of which they are only an imitation.
or echo.

we all have our own ideas of what heaven is.
it is a thing or indescribable proportions.
something that can neither be expressed nor conjured.
but most of us have a feeling.
somewhere.
that this can't be it.

c.s. lewis spent his entire life.
trying to disprove the idea of christianity.
and i find this so amazing.
because inevitably.
if you search hard enough for the truth.
you will find it.

"aim at heaven.
and you will get earth 'thrown in':
aim at earth and you will get neither."

a world of relativity.

remember when i said in my first post.

that i may be stirring up some trouble.

every so often?

well, i think that time has come.

a little sooner than i expected.

i was at home today.

trying to put together a set list.

for a couple of shows i have next weekend.

& my sister was with me.

brainstorming some new covers.

and taylor swift came up.

now.

if you don't know me very well.

then your initial reaction may have been:

"and?"

or maybe...

"omg, i love taylor swift!"

which are both very, very wrong.

on so many levels.

unless you're a 13 year old girl.

who's tone deaf.

and some of you may think.

that i'm being a bit harsh.

but i just don't think so.

nope, not at all.

so taylor swift cover came up.

and i looked at her like she was crazy.

because i lump her in the same group.

as soulja boy, 3oh!3, nickelback, miley cyrus.

trust me... this list is pretty long.

but they're all merely entertainers.

performers.

they make commercial pop music.

for the unconscious music consumer.

who doesn't value musicianship.

or have any regard for substance.

and my sister pointed out.

that i should just do the cover out of principle.

to re-do it better than the original.

but in my mind.

you should only cover music you enjoy.

imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

so then she said something rather interesting.

she contended that it must be an insult.

to real artists.

when the general public.

regards "musicians" like taylor swift.

as being talented.

and, in a way, i feel that's true.

how can you use the same word.

to define her and someone like lauryn hill.

or michael jackson.

or joni mitchel.

it seems preposterous.

almost comical.

but then you realize.

that our world is one of relativity.

and most things are subjective.

rather than based in absolutes.

so, yes.

taylor swift is talented.

compared to a jet skiing chimpanzee.

though i'm a little afraid.

that would be giving her too much credit.

lol.

and most musicians that i know.

who are worth their weight.

understand this fact.

most successful entertainers today.

aren't so much talented musicians.

as just extremely effective.

at catering to their target audience.

and you know what's funny.

you would think that maybe...

since i want to work in this industry.

that i would try not to say things.

that would create friction.

or backlash.

but i'm so sick of this "business."

and way too opinionated.

to keep quite.

so maybe that's unfortunate for me.

but i'm sure i'm not the only one.

who feels this way.

don't get me wrong.

i'm not trying to detract from anyone.

or what they have accomplished.

but rather put things into perspective.

and yes.

i'm a bit of an elitist.

but they're just opinions.

right?

i just don't play by the rules.

well.

the apartment search is officially underway.

and it is proving to be quite a feat.

originally i had been looking for places.

using apartments.com

and let me just say.

there isn't much to choose from.

they're all huge complexes.

with way more too many amenities.

and full of people.

i would never surround myself with.

so after a lot of frustration.

and distractions from twitter.

i went to my younger sister for advice.

and luckily...

she has a little more common sense than i do.

lol.

she recommended that i search craigslist.

which would've been a pretty obvious idea.

to anyone else.

but nope... not me.

so i closed my google document.

titled "los angeles apts."

that i had so carefully been constructing. 

started searching through craigslist.

and ta da!

it proved to be so much more helpful.

i mean, you have to sort through a lot crap.

but there are some real gems.

like a vintage house i found.

with a studio on the second floor.

for $560.

(due to a shared shower).

or a studio in hollywood.

with exposed brick walls.

for $1090/month.

at this point, i'm looking for any way.

to save money on expenses.

because that means more i can spend.

on instruments.

recording.

sushi.

now, the next thing on my agenda.

is deciding if i want to move everything.

or just live on the bare essentials right now.

i have a house full of furniture.

a room full of instruments.

and three closets full of clothes.

but.

i will probably have no way to move it all.

inexpensively, anyway.

and then no where to put it.

since i'm going from a two bedroom.

to a studio.

so i'm in the middle of a mental debate.

but fyi.

i don't recommend arguing with yourself.

it's quite counterproductive.

this is definitely going to be a big change.

giving up school.

my grant.

my scholarships.

with only one year left.

until i get my BA in Biological Engineering.

giving up my job during the school year.

and the comfortable life i've created here.

but within all of that comfort.

i have found little happiness.

i've done everything that i should.

but nothing that i want.

it's so hard watching other people.

living their dreams.

and convincing yourself.

that one day you will do the same.

but then three years go by.

and you just find yourself contented.

with some feeling of security you've gained.

so how do i go from a girl.

who stays within the boundaries.

that have been placed for her.

and the life.

that she's expected to live.

to someone who's ready to give it away.

for the chance to be happy.

and do the only thing that makes sense.

it's quite simple, really.

i grew up.

i realized...

finally.

that while people may have an idea.

of what is appropriate for you.

a 9-5.

2 kids and a dog.

with a husband who drives a minivan.

these are all generalities.

society's ideological constructions.

of what life should be like.

and what we should seek from it.

but not everyone finds truth in this.

or the need to be confined to it.

and some people lose the drive.

to find fulfillment.

outside of what is conventional

or acceptable.

whether it be who we love.

or what we do.

or how we think.

or the things we believe.

i wish that everyone could find the courage.

to be the honest representation of themselves.

without hesitation.

because genuine happiness isn't hard to find.

only the decision to search for it.

without regard for expectations. 

<3

why don't you go blog about it?

so.
i came to a slight epiphany today.
...with help from my awesome boyfriend.
that i'm a bum.


not that kind of bum.

pervert.

try again.

bingo!
that's the one.

well, he pointed out that:

i am currently in between apartments.
...since i'm moving to la.
...and therefore can't sign a lease here.

i don't have a dependable car.
...because older grand ams suck ass.
...plain and simple

i don't have a working phone.
...because i never received the iphone i ordered.
...and am currently processing a claim with amex.

and don't have a computer.
...because the $1400 mac i bought last september.
...got swiped 6 weeks later.

and i don't have a job.
...though i do play lots of shows.
...and make rather decent money.

okay, so that last one isn't so bad.
i'm sure we'd all love to make good money.
from the one thing we love most in this world.
and i'm one of those lucky people.
so i should be thankful.

and i am.
i'm not the type of person.
to be held down by circumstance.
i'm not a girl who dreams.
but won't allow them to be realized.

i don't get hung up on what is normal.
or typical.
or expected.

so what if i don't have a phone.
or a car.
or a "job".

i have more than most people.

i have love.
and passion.
and a strange feeling of satisfaction.
because i don't have to be anything.
that i don't want to be.
and not everyone can contend.
that they, in fact, are this lucky.

:)

headed west... into dreamland.

so.

i've decided to move to los angeles.

why?

well because i'm a songwriter.

and i like it better than nashville.

which seem to be the only two options.

in making songwriting a career.

now maybe i'm wrong.

but that's just the way it seems to me.

but i guess i should give you a little background.

so you can fully understand.

the magnitude of this transition for me.

i currently live in manhattan, ks.

and to make this a little more interesting.

let's do a side by side comparison.

shall we?

manhattan, ks

pop: 44, 831

area: 15.0 miles

high: 92.5*f

low: 16.1*f

los angeles, ca

pop: 3, 849,378

area: 498.3 sq. miles

high: 76.6*f

low: 47.8*f

so, essentially.

i'll be going from this:

to this:

pretty drastic, yes?

i have lived in the manhattan for 4 years.

...and yes, i'm a wildcat.

but, see, i'm very accustomed to large cities.

because i lived in houston for a couple years.

and visit family there all the time.

so when i went to la for the first time.

it wasn't much of a shock for me.

but imagine my surprise.

when i began apartment hunting.

now i'd been told that la was an expensive city.

but when you're used to paying all your bills.

with about $1000 a month.

and you can barely find an apartment.

without bars on the windows at least.

for that price tag.

it sort of begins to sink in.

that this, ladies and gentlemen, is no joke.

so after a couple panic attacks.

and questioning the need to follow my dreams.
i mean, who does that anymore, anyway?

right?
i've finally come to terms with it.

and i'm excited again.

i have decided that i can afford about $1300 in rent.

(though that is pushing it a little)

and given my initial search.

it seems like there are some great places.

no, i won't be living like a rockstar.

or someone who's parents can't let them grow up.

but that's not really my intention.

and so the search begins.

the goal?

to be a los angelena by the beginning of september.

i'll keep you updated on my progress.

and let you know what ensues.

wish me luck.

i'll definitely need it.

:)

an introduction of sorts.

so.

this is a new blog.

and for those of you reading.

who are familiar with the blog platform.

my blog may seem a little strange.

which is fitting.

because i'm far from ordinary.

well.

i should tell you a bit about me.

my name is samantha.

and i'm a musician.

i live in manhattan, ks.

but am from st. lucia.

though i have been debating a relocation.

to the city of angels.

we shall see how this transpires.

i am very opinionated.

and though my blog will be musically-centric.

and focus mainly on my journey.

as a musician.

it may at times stir up a bit of debate.

which is something that i encourage.

because only through discussion.

and an open forum.

can we begin a much needed transition.

to a state of universal understanding.

but i suppose that's a story for another day.

anyway.

the format may take a little getting used to.

but i would just like to point out.

i'm a songwriter.

so the structure of my blog.

may seem overtly poetic.

but that's the idea, to be honest.

and the way i express myself most naturally.

but this is who i am.

in a sort of nutshell.

just not so easy to crack.

:)